Sometimes you just have to let yourself have fun.

For those that may not know - One of my all time favorite bands is Social Distortion.  I have taken this to new levels, converted the unbeliever (my mom), driven my family nuts, and travelled hundreds of miles to see them in concert.  I remember hearing "Ball and Chain" and Social D's cover of "Ring of Fire" when I was in Middle School (1990 or so) - and liked the music, but it wasn't the soundtrack of my life yet....  That all started in 1995, when my friends in High School exposed me to "White Light, White Heat, White Trash,"  and it's been a wonderful, partially out of control spiral ever since!

It was always the joke that sadly EVERY year when the band came to town (Social D used to play the Catalyst in Santa Cruz almost annually) I would have some crazy illness (MONO), or be out of the country (take off you hosers, we were in Canada, eh) - -it took me YEARS longer to finally be able to see them live.  BUT, I did it.  In 2001, I had been married for maybe 2 or 3 months, and dragged my husband (Who was a fan before we met - HELLO - people have to have something in common to get married, right?!?) back to the Catalyst in Santa Cruz.  I finally, FINALLY got to see them live!  And they did not disappoint!

Fast forward 11 years - a few shows, a couple kids, and 3 continents later - SOCIAL DISTORTION WAS COMING TO GERMANY!  Not just that, but they were going to be playing in a little town about 20 miles from my house!  TWENTY MILES, PEOPLE!  How could I not go?!?!?  It should be easy, right?  But NO.  The army decided to take away my other half for a while, and send him some place hot and sandy - who could I go to the show with?  I opened it up to my nearest and dearest on Facebook - but sadly in the end no one was able to go with me.  I decided to swallow my pride, invest in a little piece of happiness and sanity for myself during this current suck we are wading through, and I found I was able to purchase VIP tickets!  Yes, once again, I WAS ON THE GUEST LIST!!!

I got to Rothenburg Ob Der Taub for the Taubertal festival around 5pm (I did not know of, or really care to see the other bands throughout the day) - got my nifty VIP pass, and bracelet, and waited for my shuttle to whisk me away to the venue (about 3 miles away).  Got the shuttle, and then got dropped off backstage - HOW COOL!  I made my way to the VIP Tribune - this great little stand (with a FABULOUS and CHEAP bar)  right next to and above the stage and waited for the guys to come on...  Social Distortion was scheduled to come on at 7:30pm, however they didn't start until 8.  But that didn't matter. IT WAS AWESOME.  Seriously. AWESOME.  BETTER THAN BEFORE!  Now - you should know - these VIP tickets were NOT cheap - but they did give me AMAZING ACCESS, and the shuttle to and from town - - they were WORTH IT!

I have much more to write - but this is getting awfully long (I know, ramble much?!?) So, here is the rundown of important things...

So - - with the light of day comes clarity (and a little headache) - - but. . . what I learned...
a)  Social Distortion still completely kicks butt 30 years in...
b)  If possible, ALWAYS BUY VIP tickets.  I am too old to fight my way to the front of a pit anymore.
c)  The booze is WAY better in the VIP section (HELLO, 5 euro Absolut and Red Bull)
d)  Concerts are ok by yourself, but much better if you have friends with you
e)  When someone tells you no, try anyways, you never know what you will end up with
f)  TAKE A JACKET - it dropped 30 degrees almost in 2 hours. NOT awesome.
g)  Seeing your favorite band in a foreign country is a pretty danged cool experience

Tune back tomorrow to read about my MIS-adventures :)  Because you know, its me - something is always wonky.

Distraction seems to be a major theme in my life - I have written about it a few times - but well, I get distracted.  That's it.  I have accepted this fact about myself.  Sometimes, it's a ridiculous pain in the butt - however, most of the time - it affords me a moment of clarity.  My distractions give me pause, they let me re-center myself, they let me breathe.  It's rather amazing, but this seems to occur most frequently when I am trying to do my homework - crazy, huh?  So, here are a few of my clear moments.  The moon has been nothing short of breathtaking this past week.

Goodbye, My Friend, Goodbye

The world has lost some awesomeness this past week.

My friend, Howard Koester passed away.  He was a mere 85 years old.  Some may say that 85 is a long time, that he led a full life, and they are right on both accounts.  That point, however does not make it any easier.

I was blessed as a child to have few friends or family die (literally, I can think of two deaths) - and as I have said before - that good fortune as a child has turned into a curse as an adult - time has caught up, and truly stands still for no one.  Time does not care that your friend was ornery as all get out.  Time does not spare 85 year old W.o.W players.  It should.

I could sit for hours with Howard and talk politics.  He always encouraged thought and political reasoning.  Howard had seen a lot of change, both good and bad, and I was fortunate enough for him to tell me parts of his story.

I met Howard and his amazing wife, Gail in 1998, while we all lived in South Lake Tahoe.  The following summer, they moved to Port Ludlow, Wa - though we never lost touch, even if communication was sporadic at best.  When I married, and later when my husband joined the Army as a pilot - we had a renewed bond with Howard.  We adopted him and Gail as family (some of the best family a person can have is the family they CHOOSE to be a part of) - we moved to Korea, and then to Germany.  Without a doubt, Howard was a part of each move - we always sent him gear from whatever unit we were a part of, and were proud to call him friend.  As the last couple of years passed, we saw each other less and less - emails became less frequent. Time once again has moved along, not caring for those of us who want to get out of its way.

Howard touched each and every one of us.  He lived vicariously through my husband, he sat patiently and talked with me, and he showed my daughter the world of online gaming...

we will miss you my friend, we will miss you.

Below is Howard's obituary - so that you can see just a piece of the amazing man he was, and of the many, many accomplishments he held.

_______________________________________________________________

LCDR Edwin Howard Koester, USNR (Ret.)
August 29, 1926 - July 24, 2012 

LCDR Edwin "Howard" Koester, USNR (Ret.) died peacefully at home in Port Ludlow, WA on the 24th of July with his wife Gail and his pets, Ellie and Oliver, at his side. He lived a long and full life and was loved and respected by many. 

Howard was born on August 29, 1929 in Erie, PA to Emma K. and Edwin R. Koester. His early years were spent in Northeast, PA in a home his father had built. Howard attended a one-room schoolhouse, Putnam School, with 21 students in eight grades. He attended Northeast High School from age 13 to age 16 where he played trumpet in the school band and orchestra, acted and danced in plays, played basketball on the Junior Varsity team, and was a member of the debate team. Howard began competing for an appointment to the US Naval Academy at Annapolis and attended Naval Academy prep schools Randles and Columbian in Washington, D.C.

Howard entered the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, MD in June, 1944 (wartime class of 1948A) and graduated after three years in June, 1947. Howard was accepted to several medical schools and aspired to become a physician but the war caused him to change his life direction. His military service included attending the Naval Language School at Anacostia, VA. Howard was certified as a translator and interpreter in Russian in 1948 and served in the Naval Security Agency in Washington D.C., then the Armed Forces Security Agency out of Arlington, VA. A highlight for Howard during this time was a submarine tour of duty. He especially bonded to his sub shipmates and savored the entire experience. Other tours included deployment with Admiral Sherman's staff (6th Fleet) in the Mediterranean Sea and then in Wahiawa, HI. 

In December, 1952 Howard entered flight training at Pensacola, FL and was awarded wings in April, 1954. His first assignment was VC-35 Skyraiders out of NAS North Island. He served as Operations Officer of VAN Team George, a night, all-weather carrier attack specialist team. He trained to carry and deliver the 30 KT Mark 7 bomb off the aircraft carriers. He resigned from Navy active duty in 1956 after over 100 landings on the USS Hancock (CV-19). Howard was awarded numerous medals, commendations and citations during his active military duty. 

Following active duty, Howard's varied careers included work at the Jet Propulsion Lab (JPL) in Pasadena, CA as a Research Engineer from 1956 to 1972. He managed the Experimental Test Operations Group of over 40 engineers and technicians working on the original Mars entry capsule in 20-inch and 21-inch wind tunnels. One exciting experience as a member of the JPL technical staff was testing a counter mortar system in combat in Viet Nam in 1967. 

Howard was honored to be chosen by the National Science Foundation as one of over 2, 000 applicants to act as technology transfer agents to apply modern management and technology gained in the space program to state and local government. He worked two years in this role at the City of Pasadena, CA as a representative for the Urban Technology System. Howard co-authored "Public Management Systems - An Administrator's Guide" published by the American Management Association. Howard later served as project manager of a neonatal research program funded by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and based at Martin Luther Jr. King Hospital-Drew Postgraduate Medical School located in Watts, CA. One project involved developing and testing fetal heart monitors.

He worked as an independent consultant as a mechanical engineer and energy management specialist in his own business, Applied Resource Management, Inc. out of El Dorado Hills, CA from 1977 to 1991. He acted as the energy coordinator for twelve counties under contract to the California Energy Commission conducting energy workshops and performing energy audits. From 1981 to 1984, Howard served as the Assistant State Director and Director of Engineering and Training for Energy Management Institute of California (EMI-CA). This model of training and certifying mechanical contractors to better design, maintain and retrofit client facilities to reduce energy costs was used as a model to create "EMI's" in other states.

Howard worked five years with Kitchell CEM out of Sacramento, California as Chief Engineer and Manager of the Engineering Department managing a multi-billion dollar prison construction program contract with the State of California. His last position before retiring in 1994 was as a Project/Construction Manager with the architects and engineers of the UC Davis Medical Center. 

Howard's passions were many. He adored his family and spent much time vacationing and engaging with family and friends in his favorite pastimes of boating, hiking, golfing, cycling, skiing, flying and travel. He loved his pets, and his dog Ellie and cat Oliver gave him special joy and pleasure in his later years. He excelled in many of his pursuits and was constantly seeking new interests and challenges in life. 

After retiring, Howard and his wife Gail moved to South Lake Tahoe where he especially enjoyed skiing, hiking, golfing and boating. He served in the Coast Guard Auxiliary and also as an "Ambassador" at the Lake Tahoe Golf Course. He qualified to teach skiing at Sierra Ski Ranch at 70 years of age. 

Howard and Gail moved to Port Ludlow, WA in February, 2000. Howard was active in his community and served as a Director on the Timberton Village Homeowners' Association Board and the South Bay Community Association Board. Howard and Gail continued to cruise in the family boat "Patience" and enjoyed membership in the Port Ludlow Yacht Club and served in the Coast Guard Auxiliary. Howard was also a member of the Association of Naval Aviation and the Port Ludlow Golf Club. After his pulmonary illness forced retirement from active pursuits, Gail and Howard focused on RV road cruising and mental challenges such as "World of Warcraft" computer games. Howard dearly loved living in Port Ludlow, his "little bit of paradise on earth" and very much valued his wonderful friends and colleagues and the beauty of the area.

Howard is preceded in death by his parents, and Ralph and Carl Koester, his adopted sons of his former wife Mary Tipton. Survivors include his wife Gail; son Eric Garland, O'Fallon, MO from Howard's former marriage to Virginia Knaust; daughter Robyn Peterson (Barry), Springfield, OR; stepdaughters Paige Goganian (Achod) of Portland, OR, and Kristen Rankin (David) of Placerville, CA; six grandchildren Andrea, Evan, Ian, Alexis, Nicholas and Eudora; and six great-grandchildren Cadence, Colby, Tanner, Alec, Caleb, and Liam.

Howard was grateful for the care given to him from Hospice of Jefferson Healthcare.

People Watching

So -- Like I have said before - I get distracted.  Oh, boy do I get distracted.


I was at my daughter's honor roll assembly today, and when I left, I piled my sick Lil' Dude in the car, and headed off, with the intention of going to the grocery store..


And then.... I saw these guys.  I never realized before all the prep work that goes into making a skating pond - in Tahoe, we would just sweep, or shovel the snow off the ice ourselves - we certainly never had "professionals" in the mix.


But, apparently they do things differently here :)


Here is the making of a German ice rink / curling pond...

Sometimes You Just Gotta Remind Yourself

Seriously.  I have to remind myself often, that I CAN DO MORE.  It's simple.  

I am not just speaking in reference to physical activity, but in ALL areas of my life.  With my family, with my obligations, with my time.  I CAN DO MORE.

It is SO easy to throw in the towel, to quit, and wash your hands of whatever is difficult, but who ever got anywhere by doing that?  I may not be going to find the cure to cancer or AIDS - but I can make a difference.

I just need to remind myself of that once in a while.

I Get Sidetracked....

Oh, I'm sorry, what was that?

No really, I get sidetracked, like, A L O T.  I am a really great multi tasker - - oh wait, you want something COMPLETED?  Better move along then.

In all seriousness, today started out with the plan to
a) Make sure Bug gets to the bus in time
b) Get Lil' Dude to school on time
c) Go to the gym

1 out of 3 isn't bad, right?

Bug did NOT make the bus in time, which meant I had to drive her in to town to go to school.  I did get Lil' Dude to school on time, and then, on the way back from taking Bug to school, I looked at a park as I passed it, covered in snow, and thought "oooohhh, pretty".

My oooohhh pretty moment actually lasted about 2.5 hours.  I did some running and a lot of walking, but it was not the super fun workout I had planned.  Ahh well, it was good to be out in the sun, even if it was only 5degrees farenheit when I did it.

I also had my camera with me, and took a few pretties while i was entranced in the "pretty".

Enjoy.

See - - how can that pretty NOT distract you?

K . I . S . S . #3

I know. really, I know.  A lot of times, it may seem like when I write this, it is the pot calling the kettle black - - but I prefer to look at it another way - this is MY positive reinforcement, this is MY accountability.  If I simply say this stuff in my head - well, that's as far as it goes.  If I put it out into the world, well, that creates a whole other level.  


But, I digress.  Back to the point of the image above.  DO NOT REWARD YOURSELF WITH FOOD!  It does NOT work with dogs, it certainly does NOT work with horses, and unless you want to make yourself BarnSour - you shouldn't do it for yourself, either.  


It is such a slippery slope to say "I worked out, so I can eat this".  Well that may be true, you DID workout, or you are GOING to workout - are you really going to put in an extra 15 minutes with your heart rate at 165 to make up for that cookie?  I doubt it.  In reality, you are just lessening the value of your workout.  


Physical activity not only is an instant gratification thing, it is also an investment in yourself, your body, and your future.  Think of your body like a bank, and the food you put into your mouth is the currency it lives on.  Do you want DOLLARS, or PENNIES?  Junk food is honestly worth less than pennies, but you get the idea.  When you eat that wonderful (in your head at least) junk food, you are subtracting from that investment before it even hits the bank.


Work hard, sweat heavy, invest in yourself wisely.

K . I . S . S . #2 - - - - WORK HARD, GET SWEATY!

Ok, do I really need to explain this?  I know it may seem confusing, esp. if you have read my Open Letter From a Fat Girl post a couple of weeks ago, but let me explain. 

YES getting up and going to the gym at all is much better than staying at home, watching TV.  I will NEVER condemn anyone for working out in a way different than what I choose.  A persons workout is their own choice, absolutely.  

NOW, that said - if you are actually taking the time, and making the commitment to go to the gym - make it 100%.  I will not condemn you for working out next to your bestie on the elliptical machines, but let's just imagine for a second.... Imagine what you could be doing if you put the concentration and focus into your workout that you are putting into that conversation!

If you have already come so far as to walk into the gym, get set up, and are moving your butt, why not move it as hard and as fast as you can?  If you don't like getting sweaty - they have these things called showers - - and quite honestly I TREASURE my time after my workouts in the shower, for a couple of reasons...

1) My kids are not there.  There is nobody to interrupt me, I can actually shower, AND shave my legs all in one trip - AMAZING, people, AMAZING!

2) I LOVE the sauna at the gym.  Some reward themselves with food (*ahem* we already dealt with that in the first K . I . S . S . article) My reward after working out?  Hitting the Sauna.  It is so nice and relaxing after my shower to just go into the dry sauna, and stretch out a bit, and *hopefully* be alone in a nice warm place.

So - WORK HARD, GET SWEATY!  Think of the sweat on your clothes and in your hair as a merit badge for all to see.  "Yup, I worked my a$$ off today, how about you" is what it says to everyone!

Creative Discipline

Ok, so, i have a 9 year old, and a 2 year old - discipline has to get creative around here. Yelling does NOT work - it just makes my kids yell louder all the time.  Spanking does NOT work.  Taking away their stuff does NOT work. (Seriously, Bug has had EVERYTHING except her clothes taken before... effect = 0)

SO - i came across something my fabulous cousin pinned on her Pinterest page... it's a behavior flow chart - yup. PowerPoint for behavior.  BUT alas, it would not download right - - so, I took the basic idea, and made my own power point image for it.

Let me tell you, THIS THING WORKS!  My daughter HATES it!  You know why she hates it?  She told me, "But MOOOOOOOOOM, I have to keep thinking about what I did, for a LONG time".

Perfect.

Finally a Mommy Win.

FYI - here is a jpeg of that slide - copy and make your own, whatever - but this thing is GOLDEN!!  Woot  Woot!

BONUS FUN ! ! !

So, yesterday, while trolling around the internet, i found the most awesome, funny, great, well written booklet on nutrition!  I mean, not only did it make common sense, but is so well written, it's principles so easily explained, all I could say was "DUH"

That said - let me warn you - the language, well, it would make a sailor blush indefinitely - but past the coarse language is a great message, and an even better guideline for eating.

You can go to Stumptuous.com and request a free .pdf version of it, you won't regret it, i promise.

So, without further adieu

Seriously - read it.  You won't be sad that you did :)

K . I . S . S .

That's right... Keep It Simple Stupid.  I know for a lot of us, processed foods are easy, they are cheap - but they are BAD for you.  No one can deny it.  I know we all love our bacon cheeseburgers- but they need to be a TREAT, rather than a staple.  In fact - take out the word treat - I don't think food is ever a good reward... we should regard them as an indiscretion.  We are all allowed an indiscretion now and again.

For this reason alone - I am thankful for us living in Germany.  My family has been fairly "cured" of eating out.  Sure, we have a McDonalds in town, but quite honestly, when it costs more than $25 (after exchange conversion) to feed a family of four, that price is simply NOT sustainable.  Nothing like being broke to make you eat well :)  

For the same price, you can eat at a real German restaurant, the kind where you SIT, you spend time, and you enjoy yourself.  Or, for the same price, you can go to the grocery store, and buy a TON of fresh produce, that will feed your family for DAYS.

Game over. Produce wins.

ok - there is an addendum to the ingredients list rule.. and here it is... if you find something like this, then you are good to go as well....

OPEN LETTER FROM A FAT GIRL

Hey there, hi there.  Yup, I am talking to you.  I am currently sitting in my kitchen, halfway around the world from where most people will read this.  I am an outsider.  Perhaps that is why my perspective is what it is.

Lets get a few key things straight before we really delve in…

1.     Yes. I am fat.  I am not morbidly obese, but I am a big girl all the way around.  While I don’t like this fact, and I am working my butt off (hopefully) to change at least part of that aspect, it is what it is.

2.     I have NOT always been fat.  My current state is a result of MY poor choices.

3.     I am NOT an activist.  I am merely a wife and mother who is saddened by the things she sees going on.

4.     I am NOT pleading for “fat rights”, I do not believe in excuses.

5.     I hope that this makes you THINK.  I hope that what I am about to put forth perhaps will even change a few thoughts; I really hope that it makes for some kinder hearts.

Let’s roll!

Dear people:

Why do you get off on putting down others in order to make yourselves feel better about yourself?  How does it help to point out your perceived superiority?  Do you really have so little going on in your life that all you have to look forward to is slamming random strangers?

You don’t know me.  Maybe I am that fat girl in the Zumba class you make fun of.  Maybe I am the woman in the grocery store with the screaming kid.  Maybe I am that fat lady with the cart full of junk food.

Truth be told, I am probably none of those things, but that is irrelevant.  I once was like you.  I would go to the beach in my hometown, and people watch, and point out the bigger people and say “God, if I EVER get that freaking big, do me a favor, put me out of my misery and shoot me”.  By that request alone, I should have been dead a long time ago.  The poor woman I had been commenting on was a young, pregnant mother, chasing a toddler around the surf.  Shame on me.  My only defense – I was young, shallow and stupid.  That does NOT make it acceptable.

I have walked around the past 12 years or so, in shame.  I became what I made fun of.  I took the easy route, and believe every excuse that came from my lips to the fullest.  Here I am now, working hard, eating well, and trying to shepherd my family into better health.

I have some wonderful friends.  I have some amazing friends.  I have friends that are fat, I have friends that are skinny, I have friends who are in better shape than most of us could ever dream of.  They worked hard for that, I see that, and appreciate the sacrifices they made for their health.  They aren’t out scarfing down half a pizza.  They aren’t eating a bag of Halloween candy all by themselves.  Good for them!  Most of us would kill for that kind of willpower.  That said, everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE has his or her issues.  Who says that one person's issues are any better than anyone else’s?  Those who make fun of and put down others, well, their issues are BIG.  They are inside their own heads, and they are big, mean, ugly, hateful, and would require a lot more than dieting and exercise to get rid of.

I try to live by the golden rule – Do unto others, as you would have done unto you.  This is an AMAZING philosophy – it encompasses so many religions and schools of though.  The golden rule is SO simple, that we teach it to preschoolers, and yet as adults, so many of us think we are above it, we think because we understand higher reasoning that it no longer applies to us – we went to confession, we got baptized, we accepted Buddha, whatever.  The funny part of that, is the golden rule is a part of each and every religion – it is old testament, it is Muslim, it is Catholic, it is Protestant, it is Jewish, it is Mormon, it is Buddhist, it is Hindi – you name it, it’s there.

The golden rule is simple. TREAT OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.  If you want to be ridiculed, ridicule others.  If you want to hurt, hurt others.  If you want to elevate yourself, ELEVATE OTHERS.   I am NOT a judge.  I am NOT perfect.  I TRY though to be a good person.  I TRY to make things around me better than when I got there.  Do you?  Is your ridicule making a positive impact on anyone around you? 

There are so many big things to worry about.  There are always people who are in a much worse situation than you are in, and yet petty rules the day. 

As I said before I don’t believe in excuses.  People are what they are – if you are fat, you are fat, if you are skinny, you are skinny – there are always reasons behind everything, and quite honestly your reasons are your own, and none of my business.  Own up to yourself, people!   Denial doesn’t help anyone, it doesn’t change perspectives, and it just hurts you in the long run.  At the end of the day, we are only accountable to ourselves.

Can you look in the mirror and honestly say that you are a good person?  Can you honestly look in the mirror, and know that you made someone’s life better today?  Do you think that your “witty” sarcasm, or outright cruelty towards the heavy person you saw today helps them?  If your biggest, darkest, most horrible fear or secret were made open for public scrutiny, would you want people like you commenting on it?  Do you think it would help you feel better about yourself?

I am just an overweight, sometimes single mom.  I work hard, I eat well, and I go to the gym.  I see everyone around me.  I see the ones who are too skinny, I see the ones who are fat like me or more so.

I cheer them all on.  I hope you can learn the compassion to cheer them all on too.  There is enough crud flinging around the world, don’t you think?  Why add to it?  I don’t care whether you are Cross Fit, Zumba, Pilates, Running, Walking, or Weight Lifting.  Good for you.

I will always cheer you on.

3 Months, and a Lot of Ups and Downs

I really, really need to get better at this.  At any rate - the last few months have been nothing if not..... challenging :)

Some of our very best friends (lets not kid around, they are family without blood ties) moved over here, and we have been so fortunate to be able to make up for lost time, and hang out with them a TON!  It is so wonderful to have true friends around again - the ones that have seen you at your best, and your worst, and still hang around anyways :).  They had not seen Bug since she was FOUR!  *gasp* Needless to say, it was a little shocking when this gorgeous, bouncing 9 year old ran up to them!  They have a lil' Dude, too, we will call him Hoodie Ninja.  Hoodie Ninja and my Lil' Dude are about a year and a half apart in age, but are truly friends - it's ADORABLE!!!

Dude, TOTALLY disregard the nasty dirty stroller - Lil' Dude can make a SERIOUS mess...

For the most part, the Big Dude has actually been around - which has been nothing short of wonderful.  I love, and completely appreciate the times when he is here- there are too many when he can't be.

December also saw the loss of a good friend's husband.  I will talk about this more later, however, now it is still too raw, and too early to bawl my eyes out as I type this.

SO, HAPPY NEW YEAR!  May it be phenomenal, wonderful, and amazing for you and yours!

Coming back to the fold...

So yeah, been a while - and you know me, so this is not really unexpected.

On to the nitty gritty - we have been having issues for quite some time with our daughter - I love her, she is amazing, but somewhere along the lines (i really do take the blame for spoiling her rotten...) she has not learned to be grateful...  So - - my idea is to create a gratitude journal for her - I would really love for her to get into the habit of writing out what is on her brain - - i know it has helped me so much to be able to vomit my thoughts onto paper..... or computer, or whatever.

My bug - she is amazing.  She is SO smart.  She is SO beautiful.  She can drive me SO crazy at any given moment.

I mean, look at that girl!

So - in trying to teach her to be grateful, I find myself realizing that perhaps I should practice what I preach.. and with the time I am blessed with, because the little guy is in Kindergarten now...  I need to put my money where my mouth is, and lead by example.  SO, here is what I am grateful for right now....

I am grateful for my sweet son, who challenges me every moment in unexpected ways. Today the challenge was getting him to have patience while i figured out how to put his foulies on him. I am thankful for my daughter, and though we struggle so hard, I would not go a moment without her in my life. I am thankful that by trying to teach her thankfulness, and caring, I am getting a new appreciation for those same attributes myself. I am thankful that while my husband is away, I miss him more and love him more with each minute. I am thankful he is relatively safe, and for the most part doing something that he loves doing. I am thankful for a warm house, and security in our lives, when so many have so much less.

I hope everyone has a great day!

Caught in a Rare Moment

It is quiet in the house.

No, seriously - the house is SILENT - minus the click of my keyboard.  The little dude is down for what has turned out to be an over 2 hour nap, the big girl is at school, and the big guy is out doing whatever it is while he is gone.

scratch that - someone had the audacity to walk past our driveway - not UP the driveway, but past it, and the dogs have gone into a barking free for all.

it was nice while it lasted.


I have been introspective lately - - but not particularly feeling the urge to write - i will work on that - I think I need to set aside time each night to write, whether I want to or not - - otherwise it's all just going to get lost up in my noodle.

I Would not be Here Were it not for Veterans

Ok, so this can be taken a few ways. Literally, I would not be in Germany, were it not for the Veteran I am proud to call my husband. Perhaps even more importantly than that, were it not for veterans I would not exist.

It is because of Veterans that my Grandparents even met. Back during World War II, my Grandfather lived in Shanghai, China. He was one of the "uncounted" at the time - meaning he was a Russian living in Shanghai. His family survived the war, lived in Japanese internment camps (think Empire of the Sun-esque), and was around to see the US liberate Shanghai. My grandfather fell in LOVE with the Americans that came into town. I am sure he ran a scam or fifty with them / on them, but that is besides the point. My Grandfather had a dream - the "American Dream".

After the war, my Grandfather moved to England with his mother, sister and step father, who was a constable. He finished school, went to college, got married, and had a couple of kids - but he never let go of the dream. So, with a wife, and two young children, in 1966, my Grandfather booked his family passage on a boat, and came to America.

But you see, this story is only partly about my Grandfather, you see, without the influence of those Sailors and Soldiers in Shanghai - who knows where he would have ended up! Perhaps he would have stayed in Britain, perhaps he would have moved somewhere else..

BECAUSE of those soldiers who came to the aid of a country in need, that had been occupied and torn apart, dreams were born. BECAUSE of those Sailors and Soldiers, my mother came to America as a child. BECAUSE of those Sailors and Soldiers, my parents met and married.

BECAUSE of those Soldiers, a dream was born, and nurtured, and came to reality.

I am here BECAUSE of those Soldiers and Sailors.

Thank you to all of our friends who have served or are serving. Thank you to all the Veterans who have come before us and paved the way. Thank you to those Soldiers and Sailors who liberated Shanghai.

Happy Veterans Day.

Please, take a moment and thank a Veteran for their Service - it means a LOT.

A Work in Progress

Seriously, you didn't believe me, did you? I warned all 35 of you out there who have read my thoughts that if I didn't get a response, I would just let this thing wander, like my mind so often does... So, here we are, huh?

I read a really, really interesting blog this morning, Single Dad Laughing - Ok, I didn't read the entire blog, but a few highlighted posts - and honestly I did not find it all that funny... But I wasn't reading the comical posts. I was reading about this guy's struggle with self image, and the bullying he endured as a child, and it hit me SO hard.

Wait, wait, wait, before you click away from here - I am NOT going to write about bullying - NOT that I don't have plenty to say on that subject, but I think it's kind of saturating everything right now, and I just don't know that I am willing to bare that much of my soul....

I AM willing to talk about self image, or lack thereof....

Let me start by saying I am blessed, I am lucky, I am in awe, and I am surrounded by love at this point in my life from my family, my husband, my children, and my friends. I am LUCKY. I have always struggled with my self esteem - for most of my life, I have honestly had little to no self esteem. I have always been the intelligent girl, the TALL girl, the nice girl... notice, even now, I don't write "the pretty girl", or "popular girl" - those are not descriptors I would never, nor have I ever used for myself...

I gave in to the voices. I gave into the idiots. I let all those negative morons have control over me, I believed them. For some reason, I listened to them - I allowed myself to fall victim to their prophecies for me - I nearly didn't graduate from high school, because I actually believed I was too dumb (strange, though, because I knew I was smart - but believed when I was told I was dumb - so I became dumb) I am lucky to have survived. Seriously. It terrifies me, the really, really stupid things I allowed to happen to me and around me because I was afraid of saying "no". I.am.lucky.period. Perhaps some day I will go into the stupid, dangerous, idiotic things that happened, but probably not - I will qualify it as NOTHING was illegal, just stupid. Very, very stupid, and very, very potentially dangerous.

Me, the year I graduated High School - hideous, and horrible looking, huh? If only I knew then what I knew now...

I can get past that, I can bury my own self loathing - that's actually easier to me than anything else. There is a problem with this though, beyond myself, this unfortunate trait of feeling fairly worthless has passed on to my daughter. My bug, she is AMAZING. She is BEAUTIFUL. She is KIND. My bug is full of WONDER. And daily, I see her believing in herself less and less, and giving into those same dark demons that have haunted me her whole life. The last year and a half or so have NOT been easy for her - she went from being an only child for 7 years, to a big sister, she went from living in Korea, and having lots of GOOD friends, to living in Germany, and having NO friends. She went from actually ASKING to go to school on days off, to faking illness and injury just to get out of class and school. Sadly enough, my amazing, bright, talkative, beautiful, wonderful girl is now starting to believe what the fabulous children around her tell her - she is believing that she is dumb (yet has the highest reading level in her class), she is believing that she is ugly, and she is believing that she is "not worth it"

My heart breaks for her. It is beyond torture watching a little girls light dim and waiver - - it is worse knowing that you are at fault. So, I will tell her I love her, tell her she can talk to me, and try not to get angry when she has a "nuclear meltdown" as we call them around her. That little girl is my world.

For the most part, I did learn to like myself - I do know that I am actually a smart person, I can hold a decent conversation, I am a caring person, and I will give you the shirt off my back if you need it, I am a good friend, and have learned to steer clear of the drama that plagues army life... I have learned to not completely despise each and every picture of myself, and you will find more pictures with me in them up in my house than ever before. (but most of them, are of my kiddos, they are the stars of my life anyways). While I will probably always have body image issues - overall, I really do like the person I have become - now if I can teach my Bug to like herself as a person earlier than i did, we will call that good. It took me about 20 years - - - the race is on now to show her how awesome she is, and beautiful, and wonderful, and smart, and "WORTH IT". Because in my book, there is no one more worth it than my kiddos..

Ok, I do really suck at housekeeping - I mean, I really suck at that -

It's funny, starting to write about this - - - hmm, a can of worms may have been unleashed...

**qualification - when I talk about being dumb - I mean that I made POOR choices, skipped school, did the bare minimums to, and often didn't get by**

I think I am going to work on this subject some more in the future - but in all honesty, I am done for now - this has been very painful to write, both emotionally, and physically (i have cried the whole time while writing this).

Tschuss!

Wow.

So, I just looked at the page count at the bottom of the page . . . 28! HA! Ok, seriously, as far as sites go, it really is pathetic, HOWEVER, hmmmm I find myself thinking "Wow, 28 people have insight to my brain".... Interesting.

I honestly don't know where this blog is going. One of these days I should pick a theme - it could only help my writing out, right? So, help me pick a theme.

There are probably about a million and a half "military spouse" blogs - Yeah, that is the fountain from which my life springs - but I just don't know that it would not end up with me ranting incessantly about army things - and that's probably not a good direction to go in...

I could write about my children - Lord knows that there are a ton of good anecdotes there, but it comes down to - - Well, that is 90% of my life anyways, can't I write about something new?

I could write about travel - I LOVE to travel - but don't think I have done enough to qualify...

So, little help here - for those that know me - what do you think the theme here should be?

Bueller??? Bueller???

P.S. If I don't get a little help, this will continue to be completely random, and non-coherent, just like most of the thoughts in my head.... just sayin....

Patience, and My Lack Thereof

Seriously, I am NOT a patient person. For a long time I have thought that was just part of my charm (sarcasm)... But I have tried to deal with it... and am NEVER successful. I have friends who are as patient as the day is long, and then some, and I find myself jealous of that.

I truly believe that we all have some lifelong struggles, issues that NO MATTER WHAT will plague us through life... Entering my fourth decade of life, I am pretty sure that I know mine. PATIENCE, TOLERANCE, and SYMPATHY.

All three are amazing qualities, that for one reason or another are a struggle. The funny part is that while I struggle with these, they go hand in hand, and the struggle itself seems perpetuated by my very life, and it's just flat out annoying!

When my husband was in Korea, we were surrounded by Navy Sub people - and it got SO tiresome hearing wives complaing "my husband is going to be gone for three months". Really? Big freaking deal! We were in the midst of a year seperation, without the benefit of combat pay - we played by the rules, and were getting screwed, and yet i had to be nice, smile, and put up with that? Seriously? Some of those people literally withdrew to their basements and did little more than watch tv, grocery shop, and breathe the whole time their husbands were gone!

So, we decided if we were going to get screwed by the system, we may as well play the system to whatever advantage we could - we moved to Korea, without command blessing, and extended, to at least get ONE year together before what we were sure was a deployment on the horizon. Dream on. The guys spent SO much time in the field - but honestly, it was ok. The tempo of our life that year was pretty much that daddy was home for a week or two, and then left for a month - - but we adjusted, as those left behind often do. To this day some of my closest friendships are the ones fostered during "field time"...

We are fortunate, there is no deployment immediately on our horizon (much to Mr. Awesome's chagrine)... and that's great. I REALLY appreciate him being here to see all of Lil' Dude's firsts. But, with his job, inevitably there are times when he will be gone, and most likely for more than a day or two - - here's where my patience, tolerance, and sympathy struggle comes in again... I accept he has to be gone, it sucks, but oh well... that is the nature of the career that WE chose. I too have a small child here at home, and an 8 year old, I have soccer, girl scouts, and every other kid thing going on. I have to maintain the house, and make sure there is food in the fridge... that's fine. great.

Do NOT complain to me that your husband is gone for maybe a couple of days. Do NOT complain to me about how hard it is at home with a baby (been there doing that for the past year). I jokingly requested a Mommy Breakation - but let's be realistic - there is none. I mean, for God's sake, I don't even get to bathe or use the bathroom in any other manner by myself... and no, i won't check into a hotel for the weekend - I would actually miss my kids. (let alone, i would NOT know what to do with myself if I were to actually have to function as an adult again)...

As I said before, we are lucky here. Mr. Awesome in all honesty is NOT gone that much... Way less than in other assignments, and let's not even compare to a deployment, as we all know there is no comparison. But please, don't complain that your husband might not be home tonight. In the big scheme of things, what is ONE night, heck what is THREE weeks, when it could be so much worse. But for the Grace of God go I, because so easily, I could be one of those military spouses whose husband never comes home.

I am lucky. Now I just need to be patient, tolerant of others, and learn sympathy for their plights....

Definetly a work in progress

organic schmorganic

Where to begin? I honestly don't know - - I am not feeling particularly inclined to write, but I am making myself do it... So here I sit, staring at the screen, listening to TV (i rarely actually WATCH it, but listening is enough most times)

I have to go to the commissary today, blech! I despise grocery shopping, and it is a necessary repeated evil. Lately it's even worse. We are trying to back off on the cheap food, aka, american animal products and dairy - NOT because I am anti-american, but rather the side effects are just too much.

My poor bug is 8 years old, and for the past year or so, we have been on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. It's not her fault, the poor kid is apparently starting puberty - one of millions of kiddos who are a slave to the hormones given to them through the "good food" us loving parents give them.

The short of this, is that Europe by large uses little to no preventative antibiotics, or growth hormones in their meat - so, we pay double the price, and buy european meats/cheeses/dairy. It actually does bother me to not be trying to "buy american" when I can - but I don't want this for my kiddo. 8 is TOO YOUNG for puberty. We call them nuclear meltdowns, the daily freak outs. She can't help it, this poor girl is a slave to her emotions and hormones, which are all going near light speed these days, and her little head just can't wrap around all that is going on for her, let alone process it, and deal with it calmly. This is a hard thing for ALL of us.

It's so hard to remember a few things when dealing with my daughter - she is so smart, and so tall for her age, it is incredibly easy to forget that she is only 8. It is hard not to have unrealistic expectations, but at the same time you don't want to baby her. We had this big talk the other day, about responsibility, and why we need it. Bug's point? "Being responsible SUCKS". I totally agree, but then we talked about why it's important to be responsible, and why as you get older, you get more responsibilities... I told her it's my job not only to keep her safe, and secure, but also to TEACH her. I told her it's my job to teach her how to act in the world, how to be able to take care of herself....

My sweet girl's response?

"Well, Mommy, then I don't want to leave ever!"

If only it were that easy.....

So, we continue to do our best. We buy very little that can have hormones, unfortunately we have little that is organic or vegan available to us. But maybe, just maybe, we can arrest this, we can stop this torture for my baby - all I want for her is a little more time as a little girl. Is that too much to ask?