A Work in Progress

Seriously, you didn't believe me, did you? I warned all 35 of you out there who have read my thoughts that if I didn't get a response, I would just let this thing wander, like my mind so often does... So, here we are, huh?

I read a really, really interesting blog this morning, Single Dad Laughing - Ok, I didn't read the entire blog, but a few highlighted posts - and honestly I did not find it all that funny... But I wasn't reading the comical posts. I was reading about this guy's struggle with self image, and the bullying he endured as a child, and it hit me SO hard.

Wait, wait, wait, before you click away from here - I am NOT going to write about bullying - NOT that I don't have plenty to say on that subject, but I think it's kind of saturating everything right now, and I just don't know that I am willing to bare that much of my soul....

I AM willing to talk about self image, or lack thereof....

Let me start by saying I am blessed, I am lucky, I am in awe, and I am surrounded by love at this point in my life from my family, my husband, my children, and my friends. I am LUCKY. I have always struggled with my self esteem - for most of my life, I have honestly had little to no self esteem. I have always been the intelligent girl, the TALL girl, the nice girl... notice, even now, I don't write "the pretty girl", or "popular girl" - those are not descriptors I would never, nor have I ever used for myself...

I gave in to the voices. I gave into the idiots. I let all those negative morons have control over me, I believed them. For some reason, I listened to them - I allowed myself to fall victim to their prophecies for me - I nearly didn't graduate from high school, because I actually believed I was too dumb (strange, though, because I knew I was smart - but believed when I was told I was dumb - so I became dumb) I am lucky to have survived. Seriously. It terrifies me, the really, really stupid things I allowed to happen to me and around me because I was afraid of saying "no". I.am.lucky.period. Perhaps some day I will go into the stupid, dangerous, idiotic things that happened, but probably not - I will qualify it as NOTHING was illegal, just stupid. Very, very stupid, and very, very potentially dangerous.

Me, the year I graduated High School - hideous, and horrible looking, huh? If only I knew then what I knew now...

I can get past that, I can bury my own self loathing - that's actually easier to me than anything else. There is a problem with this though, beyond myself, this unfortunate trait of feeling fairly worthless has passed on to my daughter. My bug, she is AMAZING. She is BEAUTIFUL. She is KIND. My bug is full of WONDER. And daily, I see her believing in herself less and less, and giving into those same dark demons that have haunted me her whole life. The last year and a half or so have NOT been easy for her - she went from being an only child for 7 years, to a big sister, she went from living in Korea, and having lots of GOOD friends, to living in Germany, and having NO friends. She went from actually ASKING to go to school on days off, to faking illness and injury just to get out of class and school. Sadly enough, my amazing, bright, talkative, beautiful, wonderful girl is now starting to believe what the fabulous children around her tell her - she is believing that she is dumb (yet has the highest reading level in her class), she is believing that she is ugly, and she is believing that she is "not worth it"

My heart breaks for her. It is beyond torture watching a little girls light dim and waiver - - it is worse knowing that you are at fault. So, I will tell her I love her, tell her she can talk to me, and try not to get angry when she has a "nuclear meltdown" as we call them around her. That little girl is my world.

For the most part, I did learn to like myself - I do know that I am actually a smart person, I can hold a decent conversation, I am a caring person, and I will give you the shirt off my back if you need it, I am a good friend, and have learned to steer clear of the drama that plagues army life... I have learned to not completely despise each and every picture of myself, and you will find more pictures with me in them up in my house than ever before. (but most of them, are of my kiddos, they are the stars of my life anyways). While I will probably always have body image issues - overall, I really do like the person I have become - now if I can teach my Bug to like herself as a person earlier than i did, we will call that good. It took me about 20 years - - - the race is on now to show her how awesome she is, and beautiful, and wonderful, and smart, and "WORTH IT". Because in my book, there is no one more worth it than my kiddos..

Ok, I do really suck at housekeeping - I mean, I really suck at that -

It's funny, starting to write about this - - - hmm, a can of worms may have been unleashed...

**qualification - when I talk about being dumb - I mean that I made POOR choices, skipped school, did the bare minimums to, and often didn't get by**

I think I am going to work on this subject some more in the future - but in all honesty, I am done for now - this has been very painful to write, both emotionally, and physically (i have cried the whole time while writing this).

Tschuss!

Wow.

So, I just looked at the page count at the bottom of the page . . . 28! HA! Ok, seriously, as far as sites go, it really is pathetic, HOWEVER, hmmmm I find myself thinking "Wow, 28 people have insight to my brain".... Interesting.

I honestly don't know where this blog is going. One of these days I should pick a theme - it could only help my writing out, right? So, help me pick a theme.

There are probably about a million and a half "military spouse" blogs - Yeah, that is the fountain from which my life springs - but I just don't know that it would not end up with me ranting incessantly about army things - and that's probably not a good direction to go in...

I could write about my children - Lord knows that there are a ton of good anecdotes there, but it comes down to - - Well, that is 90% of my life anyways, can't I write about something new?

I could write about travel - I LOVE to travel - but don't think I have done enough to qualify...

So, little help here - for those that know me - what do you think the theme here should be?

Bueller??? Bueller???

P.S. If I don't get a little help, this will continue to be completely random, and non-coherent, just like most of the thoughts in my head.... just sayin....

Patience, and My Lack Thereof

Seriously, I am NOT a patient person. For a long time I have thought that was just part of my charm (sarcasm)... But I have tried to deal with it... and am NEVER successful. I have friends who are as patient as the day is long, and then some, and I find myself jealous of that.

I truly believe that we all have some lifelong struggles, issues that NO MATTER WHAT will plague us through life... Entering my fourth decade of life, I am pretty sure that I know mine. PATIENCE, TOLERANCE, and SYMPATHY.

All three are amazing qualities, that for one reason or another are a struggle. The funny part is that while I struggle with these, they go hand in hand, and the struggle itself seems perpetuated by my very life, and it's just flat out annoying!

When my husband was in Korea, we were surrounded by Navy Sub people - and it got SO tiresome hearing wives complaing "my husband is going to be gone for three months". Really? Big freaking deal! We were in the midst of a year seperation, without the benefit of combat pay - we played by the rules, and were getting screwed, and yet i had to be nice, smile, and put up with that? Seriously? Some of those people literally withdrew to their basements and did little more than watch tv, grocery shop, and breathe the whole time their husbands were gone!

So, we decided if we were going to get screwed by the system, we may as well play the system to whatever advantage we could - we moved to Korea, without command blessing, and extended, to at least get ONE year together before what we were sure was a deployment on the horizon. Dream on. The guys spent SO much time in the field - but honestly, it was ok. The tempo of our life that year was pretty much that daddy was home for a week or two, and then left for a month - - but we adjusted, as those left behind often do. To this day some of my closest friendships are the ones fostered during "field time"...

We are fortunate, there is no deployment immediately on our horizon (much to Mr. Awesome's chagrine)... and that's great. I REALLY appreciate him being here to see all of Lil' Dude's firsts. But, with his job, inevitably there are times when he will be gone, and most likely for more than a day or two - - here's where my patience, tolerance, and sympathy struggle comes in again... I accept he has to be gone, it sucks, but oh well... that is the nature of the career that WE chose. I too have a small child here at home, and an 8 year old, I have soccer, girl scouts, and every other kid thing going on. I have to maintain the house, and make sure there is food in the fridge... that's fine. great.

Do NOT complain to me that your husband is gone for maybe a couple of days. Do NOT complain to me about how hard it is at home with a baby (been there doing that for the past year). I jokingly requested a Mommy Breakation - but let's be realistic - there is none. I mean, for God's sake, I don't even get to bathe or use the bathroom in any other manner by myself... and no, i won't check into a hotel for the weekend - I would actually miss my kids. (let alone, i would NOT know what to do with myself if I were to actually have to function as an adult again)...

As I said before, we are lucky here. Mr. Awesome in all honesty is NOT gone that much... Way less than in other assignments, and let's not even compare to a deployment, as we all know there is no comparison. But please, don't complain that your husband might not be home tonight. In the big scheme of things, what is ONE night, heck what is THREE weeks, when it could be so much worse. But for the Grace of God go I, because so easily, I could be one of those military spouses whose husband never comes home.

I am lucky. Now I just need to be patient, tolerant of others, and learn sympathy for their plights....

Definetly a work in progress

organic schmorganic

Where to begin? I honestly don't know - - I am not feeling particularly inclined to write, but I am making myself do it... So here I sit, staring at the screen, listening to TV (i rarely actually WATCH it, but listening is enough most times)

I have to go to the commissary today, blech! I despise grocery shopping, and it is a necessary repeated evil. Lately it's even worse. We are trying to back off on the cheap food, aka, american animal products and dairy - NOT because I am anti-american, but rather the side effects are just too much.

My poor bug is 8 years old, and for the past year or so, we have been on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. It's not her fault, the poor kid is apparently starting puberty - one of millions of kiddos who are a slave to the hormones given to them through the "good food" us loving parents give them.

The short of this, is that Europe by large uses little to no preventative antibiotics, or growth hormones in their meat - so, we pay double the price, and buy european meats/cheeses/dairy. It actually does bother me to not be trying to "buy american" when I can - but I don't want this for my kiddo. 8 is TOO YOUNG for puberty. We call them nuclear meltdowns, the daily freak outs. She can't help it, this poor girl is a slave to her emotions and hormones, which are all going near light speed these days, and her little head just can't wrap around all that is going on for her, let alone process it, and deal with it calmly. This is a hard thing for ALL of us.

It's so hard to remember a few things when dealing with my daughter - she is so smart, and so tall for her age, it is incredibly easy to forget that she is only 8. It is hard not to have unrealistic expectations, but at the same time you don't want to baby her. We had this big talk the other day, about responsibility, and why we need it. Bug's point? "Being responsible SUCKS". I totally agree, but then we talked about why it's important to be responsible, and why as you get older, you get more responsibilities... I told her it's my job not only to keep her safe, and secure, but also to TEACH her. I told her it's my job to teach her how to act in the world, how to be able to take care of herself....

My sweet girl's response?

"Well, Mommy, then I don't want to leave ever!"

If only it were that easy.....

So, we continue to do our best. We buy very little that can have hormones, unfortunately we have little that is organic or vegan available to us. But maybe, just maybe, we can arrest this, we can stop this torture for my baby - all I want for her is a little more time as a little girl. Is that too much to ask?

Introductions, introductions, introductions...

So, let me guess, you read the title, and you think I should write something that corresponds, some kind of introduction? Fine, so be it. But only the bare essentials, the rest is really not that important, I am sure you (if there are any of you out there reading this) really don't care about my favorite color, or how often i go shopping, blah blah blah - So i won't tell you that. Besides, there has to be some kind of mystery in any relationship, correct? By the way, if you are reading this, we do have a relationship, for some reason, you are reading this, you are gaining insight to my life, and our relationship is that of author to reader. simple. defined.

Usually an introduction comes first in any literary work. boring. I think it is more important to know WHY I am writing again, and hence the first blog piece is what it was. By the way, today, i tried NOTHING new. nope. nada. not a thing. I am being a hermit today, you see, today is my ONE day to relax, to not worry about the kids, the groceries, or cleaning the house, so i spent it in hiding from said kids and house! I promise I am not avoiding the world, in actuality, I am dealing with many things, just from my special hidey hole... and that's ok, for one day. Tomorrow, we start back on the crazy path of our lives, and I will be running around like a chicken with their head cut off once again... But today, I rest.

At this moment in my life, I am a stay at home mom. I have two kids,Buglette (Bug for short) and Little Dude. Bug is an amazing 8 year old, who is too smart for her own good, and in the second grade. For the longest time, she was my carbon copy, but lately, I see more and more of her father in her (which is not a bad thing, unless we are talking table manners...). Little Dude - he is the new addition, the final piece to our set, that quite honestly we never really thought we would get to have. Little Dude is 15 months old, trying to walk, has 8 chompers, and like his sister, is too smart for his own good. I am married to the love of my life, Mr. Awesome, and we are a military family, on our second overseas assignment, this time in Germany (last time was Korea).

I think writing is good for the soul - since I was a kid, it has been the only way for me to get my true feelings out, thus sparing the world from my temper tantrums. So, here we go, and yes, you may read a temper tantrum or two here - that's just the way I roll. Better on screen than in person - at least for me it is. So, yeah, that's as much information as I am going to share, at least, until we get to know each other a little better.

ATTACK!